My new gig….

I’m going to be away for a couple of days on a short, mini-vacation to Florida. I’ll be back on Monday and will hopefully have a bunch of new stories for you then. In the meantime, I’m going to go into the archives and post a couple of stories from my ‘best of’ collection (let’s face it though, all of my posts belong in a ‘best of’ collection).

I’ve been listening to a lot of funk music lately and think that maybe I’d like to be in a real cool funk band. I really only see two obstacles: 1) I neither play an instrument or sing and 2) I don’t know any funk bands. But then I got to thinking and it occurred to me that the majority of coolness you derive from being in a band is saying that you’re in a band. So, I could form my own band. Who cares if I never get a gig and never play a note? I’ll always be able to say “Yeah, I’m in a band.” Or “I have to go practice with my band.” That practice may only be me singing in the shower but what the heck.

As a band member, you get all sorts of perks. Other bands let you hang out back stage; you’re entitled to groupies, and you get to act obnoxious in public and everyone thinks it’s really cool.

The only thing I need is a cool name for the band. Now, if it was a metal band I’d pick something rather menacing and sounding slightly subversive like: Degenerate Authority or something like that. But, I’m in the mood to form a funk band so I need something that reflects the style of music. I’m open to ideas but maybe something like ‘The Stringbean Consortium’. Yeahhhhh! Hell yeah! Just imagine this!

Person making small talk: “So, Dean, what do you do?”

Dean: “Oh, I’m the lead singer in a funk band called The Stringbean Consortium.”

Person: “WOW!” (at this point, most conversations in the room stop to listen. Women begin gravitating to me. Guys want to hang out with that ‘cool guy from the band’.)

Person: So where do you play? Can we go see you?

Dean: Uh oh. What do I say now? I know! Most popular bands have a member struggling with some sort of personal crisis. That makes them mysterious and even cooler! “Well, we had to stop playing for awhile because our drummer is trying to kick his habit.”

Person: “Heroin? Coke?”

Dean: “Uh, actually artichokes. He was eating 70 or 80 a day. Totally out of control. We tried to do an intervention but he got violent and knocked out the bass player’s tooth.” (you see, you’re imaginary band member’s habit can’t be anything seriously dangerous or illegal or you run the risk of scaring people off.)

Person: “Artichokes? I didn’t know they were addictive.”

Dean: “Are you kidding? They’re bad news, man. You’ve never seen someone strung out until you’ve seen them strung out on A. That’s what we in the music biz call it.” (At this point, several teenagers scramble home to gorge themselves on artichokes). “Some people don’t even stop there though. There’s this stuff called A+ that the real hard-core users take. They actually cover their Artichokes with this Hollandaise sauce.” (I shudder for effect here.) Those guys just have a death wish.

Anyway, you get the point. Given that this band isn’t going to ever play, feel free to insert yourself in the band as well. It’ll look good on your resumes and give you a good icebreaker at parties.

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