Swedish Vacation Update - Estonian edition

I just came back from a brief trip to Tallinn via the Victoria ferry.  The ferry system connects many of the countries bordering the Baltic Sea and (if I understand correctly) us part of the European highway system.  They are more than just a way to get from point A to point B however and offer travellers all you can eat buffets, gambling, duty free shopping, lame house bands and tacky shows.  In short, it’s like a weekend in Atlantic City.  The ferry I was on was staffed primarily by Estonians so between the boat ride and a day in Tallinn, I’m now prepared to make the following superficial and sweeping generalizations about a whole nation of people.

1. Estonians can’t make good beer.  I tried two types of local beer in Estonia and both reminded me of that cat piss known as Coors Light.  Even worse, I saw locals buying lots of the stuff which indicates that Estonians not only can’t make good beer, they don’t seem to even know what good beer is.
2. Don’t get a tattoo in Estonia.  I saw a lot of Estonians with tattoos and they all looked like they got them in the gulag from a blind guy.  I’m not a big tattoo fan to begin with but if you’re going to get one make sure your artist can draw better than your average first grader before he puts ink to skin.
3. Customer service as a concept hasn’t worked its way into the Estonian mind.  Estonians regard customers as an inconvienience and will go to great lengths to encourage you to go somewhere, anywhere else, just so long as you’ll stop bothering them.  At one cafe, a lady asked if we could hold off ordeering for ten minutes so they could change shifts (apparently preparing a couple of cups of coffee would have disrupted the intricate process of changing the wait staff) only to see the very same people working after the suppossed shift change (and, coincidently, after it became clear we wouldn’t be going to search for another cafe).  I’m sure old Joe was smiling wherever he wan as. 
4. Estonia has no Surgeon General.  You don’t notice how few people smoke in the states until you go somewhere else.  Estonians smoke like chimneys and they do it everywhere.  This, despite the fact that cigerrettes have warning labels that put ours to shame in their size and directness of consequences. 

Other than that, it was a good trip.  Good weather, (hopefully) nice pictures and a fun time.

Swedish Vacation Update Part 2

My last post was all about the good things I’ve been finding here in Sweden.  But, all is not well in the land of the eternally pale people.  Here is the downside to traveling here in Sweden.

1. Computer keyboards:  Swedish computer keyboards are set up differently than our to accommodate their extra letters (å, ö, ä) and that throws the whole thing out of whack.  The world will be a much better place when everyone speaks American…just like Jesus did.
2. The price of gas:  Holy Cripes!!!  You think it’s expensive to fill up your gas tank?  Well, buckle up bonehead cause you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  I rented a Nissan Note (by the way, a fun little car with tons of room) and it cost me 484 Swedish Kronar to fill it up with 35 litres.  Now for those of you not up on your Kronar to dollar and litre to gallon conversions, that works out to just over $10 per gallon. 
   

   You'll need a loan to pay for your gas soon...

3.  The price of everything else:  If you think discussions about U.S. monetary policy are exclusively for pencil necked geeks in Washington D.C. and don’t effect you then just take a trip out of the country.  Our weak dollar policy may mean that foreign nations can buy our goods and services cheaply but it also means that you can’t get a decent meal in Sweden for less than 25 or 30 dollars and a nice (not fancy, just nice) meal with a drink or two is going to propel you into the 50-60 dollar range (per person of course).  In fact, it’s pretty hard to do anything here without spending gobs of money.  I think even a no-frills trip (backpacking on a Euro-rail ticket, camping or sleeping on the train, living off of sandwiches you put together from the cheapest stuff in the supermarket…ah, the good ol’ days) would cost you a pretty penny.
4. Stretch pants:  While summer in Sweden can hardly be described as ’scortching’, it is warmer than the locals are generally used to.  Also, there is some truth to the stereotype about Swedes being beautiful.  So, why Swedish women seem to insist on wearing stretch pants with everything is totally beyond me.  It makes you feel like you’re having some sort of bad 1980s flashback or something.
5. Low speed limits:  Given how well Swedes can drive and the amazing condition of their roads (I can’t remember a single pot hole in over 700 miles of road) some of their speed limits are maddeningly slow.  You’ll be able to resist the urge to speed though, since traffic cameras are everywhere ready to snap your picture and send you a ticket in the mail.
6. No greens:  Swedes donät seem to have fully grasped the concept of the salad.  When you see it on the menu, it usually means you’ll be getting a few pathetic strips of iceberg lettuce next to your entree.  I suspect it’s there more to fill up your plate than your stomach.  The explanation for this lack of green stuff in the diet may be explained by #7, below.
7. Toilet paper:  Sweden is a highly industrialized, civilized nation and its citizens are among the most happy and satisfied in the world.  Yet, the idea that toilet paper can be both efficient and comfortable seems to be beyond them.  I swear that some of the material that passes for toilet paper here and that I’ve unfortunately had to experience, would do a better job at removing paint and varnish than any 30 grit sandpaper you could get at Home Depot.

Vacation Update - Tourist trap alert!

I have two guidebooks for my vacation here:  The Lonely Planet and Frommers.  The latter is far superior but still far from perfect.  Lonely Planet is going to have a hard time winning back my trust after daring to recommend Grönäsens Älgpark, a ‘moose park’ which sounds like it would be interesting and fun but really  is just an excuse to waste your time and money.  Your $8 admission fee enables you to walk around a 1.3 km enclosure that has about 5 moose in it (you may or may not get to see any), a look into the ‘museum’ (which consists of 3 stuffed moose in various death scenes and no accompanying information whatsoever), a gift shop demonstrating the ability of Chinese slave laborers to put moose images on virtually any type of mass produced crap product and access to the BBQ where you can cook and eat your own meal (as long as you buy all the food from the gift shop).

That’s an hour of my life I definitely want back.

Vacation update

I usually plan to write a vacation wrap up post when I get home, but unfolding events always take over and before I know it so much time has elapsed that the things I want to write about seem a bit stale.  So, with about a week of Sweden under my belt, another to go and some free time on my hands I’ve decided to write down my impressions thus far.  I’ve just sort of naturally begun to create a mental ‘good/bad’ list about my impressions and here they are:

The Good:

1. Swedish Drivers:  Because Swedes have to devote a great deal of time, money and practice in order to get a drivers licence (as opposed to our ‘Get a free drivers licence with every purchase of giant sized slurpee!’ system) Swedes actually know and follow the rules of the road.  It’s an American passtime to say that bad drivers are confined to a particular state (like New Yorkers who seem determined to actually win the title for the worst drivers in America) but let’s face it.  We all suck at driving.  Don’t believe me?  Perhaps you think all my wine and brie eating has turned me into some sort of pinko, America-hating, Eurotrash wannabe?  Just do to your nearest four way stop or traffic circle and see how well our fellow citizens do.
2. No (well, very few anyway) billboards:  You might not even realize how pretty the countryside is that you drive through every day but get the opportunity to drive somewhere not clogged with crappy advertisements for junk you don’t want and you might actually like the view.
3. Fewer extras in the food:  Check out the labels of the food you buy.  Can you tell me why it needs all that high fructose corn syrup and all those chemical additives?  Didn’t they used to make bread, cookies, juice, mustard and everything else without that crap just a few short decades ago?  It seems a bit easier to find crap free food here. 
4. People treated like adults:  As I’ve been bouncing around I’ve noticed a lack of warning labels, barriers, overseers, and other contrivences to sterilize our lives into a Disneyfied simulation of real life.  Here you’re expected to know that it’s not a good idea to touch an electrified fence without being told.  Seems like common sense to me.
5. Allansrätten:  Swedish custom views property and land rights differently than we do.  So long as you steer clear of homes (about 70 meters according to the Lonely Planet guide), cultivated areas or a few restricted places, don’t be an ass or trash the place you can go anywhere you like in the country.  Someone owns a few hundred acres of forest?  You can hike or even camp there overnight if you’d like.  It’s an incredibly civilie zed concept and one I wish we had every time I have to take the hour drive past tons of private lakes in order to put my kayak in the water.
6. Swedish radio:  Perhaps itäs because it reminds me of the feel good news of the 1970s AM radio or the fact that I don’t understand a word of it but I actually enjoyed listening to pop radio in Sweden.  The music seems to be written with the understanding that it’s not going to change civilization and, in fact, might not even make it through the summer but who cares?  Tap your feet and enjoy the next few hundred replays until you’re sick of it and we’ll move on to the next one. 
7. Daylight:  There’s so much of it here you run out of energy before the sun does.  If you’re trying to cram as much sightseening as you can into a short amount of time you can’t being this close to the top of the world during summer.

That’s it so far for the good stuff…Next time we move on to the bad….

Better bring comfortable shoes

Looks like I’ll be doing a lot of walking over the next few weeks…

Crazy Swedes…Midsommar edition

It’s midsommer today which is a pretty big deal in (among other places) Sweden.  There are a lot of different celebretory events during midsommar (as shown here in this totally factual documentary of modern Swedish life)

So, Glad Midsommer to all you crazy Swedes out there!  I’ll be knocking back an aquavit or two as well.

Clear some space on that bookshelf

A little while ago, I wrote that I had been experimenting with the self publishing site Blurb.com.  I wanted a way to capture some of my better photos and old school picture albums just weren’t cutting it.  They just didn’t seem particularly satisfying or complementary to my pictures and in many cases, they don’t leave you any opportunity to put the photos into context with text.  I guess I could hand write notes around the pictures but given my handwriting style, I think that would just give readers the impression that I was some sort of escaped mental patient.  At a minimum, I’m sure it could be used against me at any sort of commitment hearing.

That leads to the second problem with photo albums.  They’re difficult to reproduce.  I’m not going to kid myself into thinking I’ll make the NY Times bestseller list (although with nonsense like this topping the non-fiction lists perhaps I do have a decent chance of making the list) it is nice to be able to have a way to make copies if friends, family or others would like them.

So, dear readers, because I’ve come to think of you as one big happy family (the kind that keeps meaning to visit but can’t seem to find the time because they have to lance that nasty looking boil on the cat), I’m posting my works so far on the right hand side of the screen (See?  Those nifty little thumbnail images over there?).

The “War is Heck” book contains many of the stories you’ve seen here (with serious editing to correct the grammatical/spelling mistakes and to punch up the stories) as well as a few I haven’t posted.  In addition, there are 100+ photos of my time there, most quite good, if I say so myself.  I’ve had to blot out the faces of U.S. soldiers so they aren’t recognizable just to stay on the safe side of any potential legal issues.

The books are really of quite good quality in terms of binding, paper quality, etc.  I’ve only ordered the hardcovers thus far and was very pleased.

So, help out a starving artist, and pick up one of these fine books today (Christmas ain’t that far away, after all).

Swedish culture coming to America!

Being married to a Swede I’m always excited at the possibility of my fellow Americans being exposed to the rich and fascinating culture of Sweden.  So, I was thrilled to see this report of a new reality show coming to America called ‘Swedish Mansion’.  The jist of the show is:

A group of six “Scandinavian Supermodels,” including a Miss Norway finalist, will soon start living together and have their daily lives recorded in what is being termed the “Swedish Mansion.”

My wife was less than thrilled at the news of the show and I was a bit perplexed.  So, after thinking about it a bit I decided to allow her to apply to be in the second season of the show.  She was even less enthusiastic about that idea.  These Swedes sure are an enigmatic lot.

I’m just can’t wait to see some of those great Swedish folk traditions recorded on camera for the first time.  Like naked tickle fights and foxy boxing…

And what’s with the Norwegian getting into the ‘Swedish Mansion’.  These Norwegians are getting a bit too big for their britches if you ask me.  They’ve got tons of oil, celebrate their national day in Stockholm, and apparently they eat a lot of frozen pizza there…they’re like the Texans of Scandinavia!

Sweden Photos

I’ve been playing around with Blurb which is a self publishing website.  I’ve taken tons of pictures but really struggled with how to best display them.  I’m not really satisfied with them just sitting on my laptop or in an old school photo album and I’ve only got so much wall space to hang them up so I thought that a photo book might be the answer.  The whole process is simple and pretty fun.  You download the free and (really) easy to use software program and go to town building a book.

Anyway, my first result is here:

A collection of photos from two trips to Sweden in 2005 and 2007.  The photos look wonderful in this format (if I say so myself) and I have to say I’ve drunk the kool-aid regarding Blurb.

I’m working on another one from my time in Afghanistan that will combine my best photos with my stories and observations from my time there (edited to remove those pesky spelling mistakes and garbled text you’ll find here!)

The one downside to Blurb (and all these other self publishing sites)?  They end up being a bit pricey.  But they do look damn good…

Photo of the day - Black Knight Edition

I’ve been going through my photos recently and was shocked to find out that I didn’t include this one (one of my favorites) in my Sweden set on my flickr account.  Well here it is…my nephew (well, my wife’s nephew…does that make him my nephew in law?) on the left meeting a knight during Medieval Week in Visby.  I really like everything about this picture and wish I could say I planned it this way but I really just lucked out.

Mad props to the dude playing the knight.  He just walked up to us while I was taking some pictures of the little guy and offered to have his picture taken.