About a year ago, it was decided by the powers that be at my place of employment (hereafter referred to as MPOE) that we needed a consultant to come in and fix the way we do things. Consultants…..If you know anything about them then this will fall into the ‘true and funny only because if I don’t laugh I’ll cry’ sort of humor category.
But, we were pretty screwed up and so I welcomed any shot at bringing MPOE into the late 20th century. I know we were living in the 21st century but I figured that if we could get only one or two decades behind the times we’d be in pretty good shape.
The guy actually did quite a bit of good and brought some fresh vigor into the organization. He clearly had an eye for talent as he asked me what the hell I was doing in a place like MPOE and offered to pass my resume around. This looked like my big break. Finally, someone with “connections” was going to pass my name around and give a personal recommendation to the movers and the shakers in the industry. Dollar signs were floating in my eyes. I was headed to the big time.
So long suckahs!
Once the phone started ringing though I paused. I was getting emails saying:
“We’ve got an immediate need for someone with your skills on a huge contract. Give us your salary requirements right away!”
And that was about it. Nothing about what I’d actually be doing or what skills in particular they thought were so urgently needed. I read over my resume again, looking for some clue as to what could possibly be in such high demand need. Perhaps I had inserted something while in an alcohol induced fantasy life?
- Can prevent nuclear reactor meltdowns with a box of silly putty, 30 grit sandpaper and some string
- Proven ability to resolve sectarian conflicts in Middle Eastern countries and organize redeployments of 100,000+ troops over a long weekend
- Can reverse time by flying in the opposite direction of the Earth’s rotation really, really fast
I couldn’t find anything in the resume so I read the ‘offer’ again. What the hell is my salary requirement? I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing. Aren’t they supposed to talk to me and make sure I’m not just some freak who spends his days watching Univision soap operas and writing kick-ass resumes but has no real skills before talking salary? What kind of salary do I tell them I want? Too high and they’ll laugh in my face (my electronic face, anyway). Too low and I’ll be the sucker when I find out that other people are doing the same job as me for tens of thousands of dollars more.
And then I start thinking.
If they’re willing to offer me a job without knowing squat about me other than my resume, what does that mean? Doesn’t everyone assume that resumes are exercises in seeing how many lies you can cram onto an 8½”x11″ piece of paper? If that’s the case (and I’m not saying my resume is full of lies -it’s not- but it seems everyone assume that resumes are) maybe they’re trying to trick me into taking a crap job. After all, they’re email was suspiciously short. Nothing about the job, nothing about working conditions, nothing about expectations. Something didn’t feel right.
But, on the other hand, maybe this is what having connections gets you. You don’t have to go through that laborious process of interviews, thank you letters and rejection. One guy calls up his drinking buddy and says: “Can you hire this guy?” And presto! You’re on your way to a BMW, McMansion and having to listen to people chatter on about how hard it is to get someone to clean their pool…or their boat…or their pool in their boat.
So, I figured I’d take a couple of days and think about it. Maybe I could try to poke around and see what a reasonable offer might be. Besides, the email they sent me seemed to be a subtle call for help from someone obviously over stressed. I imagined that my time spent carefully doing some research (with plenty of breaks of course) would allow this person to take a breather themselves. If some corporate suit came in gnashing his teeth and wanting to know why things weren’t moving faster, this human resources person (or executive VP…whatever) could just say “I haven’t heard back from everyone yet” and go back to enjoying that nice, hot cup of camomile tea.
Instead, I got an even more frantic email first thing the next morning (the previous one came at 6pm the night before).
“This is a SERIOUS opportunity. We need to know if you’re interested RIGHT AWAY. This is real. I’m looking for a response.”
Whew…talk about pushy. I felt like I was buying a car (Well, sure you can think about it, but a little old lady was checking this car out just half an hour ago and she’s supposed to be back to give me a deposit in 10 minutes. What? Nope there are no more cars for sale…anywhere…in the world. So, you gonna buy this or what?). So the lack of information along with the high pressure attitude made me throw out a figure I didn’t think they’d ever meet, especially given they hadn’t even met me by this point. I took my current salary, added a 67% raise to it and said “I couldn’t take the job for less than X.” I was confident they’d laugh it off and tell me ‘Thanks but no thanks’.
Their response (which came in a couple of hours): “That won’t be a problem. Great to have you on board. We’ll FedEx you a contract today.”
Now, you might thing this would be good news. I just scored a hefty raise, right? Instead, I was feeling even less comfortable with the whole thing for two primary reasons:
- They responded so quickly I’m sure they were prepared to pay more and I gave too low of a salary requirement. Undoubtedly, this company thought it would be getting a bargain by paying me what I asked for.
- For that amount of money, I’m sure I’d actually be expected to work my ass off. I’d have to be one of those guys who takes cell phone calls from work while going to the bathroom or while at a funeral. Out would be my current cushy 35 hour work week in exchange for only getting to see my home long enough to change my underwear.
At this point my slacker survival instinct kicked in. I realized I was getting sucked deeper and deeper into committing to a level of work that I just wasn’t prepared to do. Thus, I discovered I was trapped in the Slacker Paradox:
Slackers desire comfort and freedom from work drudgery that can only be achieved through a job which requires a great deal of work drudgery…or a hefty inheritance.
While the inheritance thing wasn’t looking like a possibility I decided I’d go with that option. If I took the job I’d have to move, find a place to live, and actually do the work I would be getting paid for. I’m exhausted just writing about it.
