What is the University of Florida hiding?

In light of crime, terrorism and natural disaster threats, the University of Florida posted it’s policies on how it would react to a number of catastrophes.  In an obvious slip up, a document that was obviously created in conjunction with the military-industrial complex was posted and then quickly removed from their website.

The plan reveals for the first time that critical infrastructure throughout the country have developed detailed contingency plans in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  To quote from the paper:

…major metropolitan police agencies are starting to pay attention to the possibility of zombie attacks and are addressing citizen notification concerns.

As an aside, the Boston PD, in a bold move, appears to have made it official policy to attempt to alert the public in the event of a zombie apocalypse as opposed to the usual practice of covering up such incidents.

Friends, this is the proof we’ve been waiting for.  We can infer that some government or terrorist organization has perfected the process for turning the recently dead into mindless, brain devouring zombies since they refer to “zombie behavior spectrum disorder”.  The disorder is not listed in the DSM-IV or any diagnostic tools of physical conditions out there (at least the unclassified version) but the existence of such a disorder can no longer be denied.

And should we regard it as coincidence that this preparation is coming at the exact time of the H1N1 vaccination program?

And what about the reports that previously confirmed al-Qaeda figures ‘returning from the dead‘?  Are we really to believe that those initial reports were issued in error without confirmation or that we just missed?  Please.  The answer is as plain as the nose on your face.  Zombies!

So, indicators that we might be seeing initial stages of the zombie apocalypse?

• Disappearance of isolated citizens, initially in relatively remote areas;
• Increasing numbers of gruesome unexplained deaths and disappearances, especially at night;
• Identification of difficult to kill, flesh-eating perpetrators;
• Recognition that the numbers of perpetrators is rapidly increasing and that those previously identified as victims have reappeared as perpetrators;
• Increasing isolation of survivors;
• Breakdown of peace-keeping and medical services;
• Documentation of lots of strange moaning.

And recommended actions to take at work:

• Equip all staff offices with “blackout curtains” to prevent identifying worker locations to zombies;
• Equip all offices with easily barricaded doors able to withstand prolonged zombie incursion attempts;
• Equip staff with laptops and ensure IPCC software is installed, tested, and working for staff who may find commuting to work to be difficult
• Equip all staff with long range (e.g. rifles) and short range (e.g. hand guns) firearms or other weaponry (e.g. chain saws, baseball bats, LPs11) for defense against the infected and to dispatch possibly infected co-workers.

I strongly recommend you read this document and immediately suggest to your management that you implement similar procedures…Before it’s too late.

Kalm’s ghost story

This continues my occasional writing about Peter Kalm’s (the 18th century Swedish botanist, naturalist and blogger*) travels in the American colonies between 1748-1750.  Given we’re fast approaching the Halloween season, I thought it appropriate to bring the one instance (so far) of Kalm’s reporting on the supernatural in his wonderful book.

The following is an excerpt he made from some newspaper archives he reviewed while in Philadelphia during the winter of 1749.

A Curious Phenomenon.  The American Weekly Mercury N. 122, Newport, Phode Island, March 30, 1722.  There has lately a surprising appearance been seen at Narraganset, which is the occasion of much discourse here, and is variously represented; but for the substance of it, it is a matter of fact beyond dispute, it having been seen by abundance of people, and one night about 20 persons at the same time, who came together for that purpose.  The truth, as near as we can gather from the relations of several persons, is as follows.  This last winter there was a woman died at Narraganset of the small pox, and since she was buried, there has appeared, upon her grave chiefly, and in various other places, a bright light as the appearance of fire.  This appearance commonly begins about 9 or 10 of the clock at night, and sometimes as soon as it was dark.  It appears variously as to time, place, shape and magnitude, but commonly on or about the grave, and sometimes about and upon the barn and trees adjacent; sometimes in several parts, but commonly in one entire body.  The first appearance is commonly small, bbut increases to a great bigness and brightness, so that in a dark night they can see the grass and bark of the trees very plainly; and when it is at the height, they can see sparks fly from the appearance like sparks of fire, and the lieness of a person in the midst wrapt in a sheet with its arms folded.  This appearance moves with incredible swiftness, sometimes the distance of a half a mile from one place to another in the twinkling of an eye.  It commonly appears every night, and continues till break of day.  A woman in that neighbourhood says she has seen it every night for these six weeks past.

*I say Kalm was a blogger only slightly tongue in cheek.  It seems to be a stylistic method of writing (in days long past) that incorporates many of the same techniques that now are regarded as a model for good blog writing.  I’m also thinking of the letters of the younger Pliny and some of the works of Machiavelli in this category but I’m sure there are scads of such works.

If I’m correct, I wonder if this might lead to a resurgence of interest in the style of writing and therefore and increase in reading such works.  Gee, that would be great.

Time to shoot some zombies…

Part of the reason I was silent on the blogging front last week was because I just got a new laptop and was transferring my files and programs to the new computer.  I probably did it the hard way but I’m just about finished now.

The good news is my new computer (another Toshiba Satellite) may not be top of the line but is powerful enough to do things I couldn’t.  Most importantly (at this time of year, at least) is I can play Left4Dead in the versus and cooperative mode which I wasn’t able to do before.

Now, Valve is announcing they’ll be releasing Left4Dead 2 in a few weeks.  While it looks pretty cool, I’ll probably wait for awhile.  No need to spend the bucks when on Halloween…

Some modders are planning on releasing a new campaign for the original Left4Dead called ‘Dead Before Dawn‘ and based upon the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead.  Check out the trailer:

It’s nice to see that Valve and fans will continue to support the first Left4Dead keeping the game alive (so to speak) like Team Fortress2.

Swedish zombie project continues

I’ve tried warning the world about the coming zombie apocolypse originating from Sweden here, here, here, here, here, and here (at the end of the post) but still I’m either ignored or considered some sort of kook.  Well, really just ignored, I can’t seem to generate enough attention to even be considered a kook.

But…THIS time the world won’t be able to turn away.  The evidence is becoming overwhelming.

A female cyclist in central Sweden was assaulted on Sunday night by two men, one of whom left bite marks on her left arm.

The woman went into shock and has foggy recollections of what happened next, although she didn’t recognize either of her assailants.

Authorities don’t consider the attack to be an attempted rape.

So, two men (or, more acturately two being that were men before they became the undead) attacked a woman who is now showing signs of zombie infection herself (the reduced mental capacity described as ‘foggy recolections’).

AND this occurred in Sweden.

Do I really need to say any more?

(Regretfully, it appears so.  eds.)

Clearly, while the Swedes appear to be leading the world in reanimation technology they apparently have serious deficiencies in keeping their secret laboritories secure.  Either due to escaping zombies (which is difficult to comprehend given how slowly they shamble and their lack of intelligence) or accidental releases of the reanimation serum (and I know it’s a serum becuase it always is in the movies) the Swedes are demonstrating clear deficiencies in physical security (as also demonstrated here).

Of course, there is alwasy the possibility that this wasn’t an accidental release at all and, rather, this is a test of the serum or the zombies itself.  I imagine once you reanimate the dead the next big hurdle to overcome is getting them to do your bidding.  We may be witnessing this stage of the project.

Ok, this ain’t the Philippines…

and I’m not MacArthur but I have returned nonetheless.  The good news is that my brief vacation to the nation which brought us such examples of Western civilization as the Carl Gustav recoilless rifle, fermented herring in a can, and three of the five members of the infamous bikini team has given me a great deal to write about.

So much, in fact, that I’m in a bit of a quandry as to where to start (that’s the bad news).  But, somehow I’ll muddle through.

I’ll begin with a few observations:

I don’t believe in Hell but if it does exist I’m sure a part of it resembles Newark International Airport.  From its overpriced…everything to its completely useless security precautions this airport has little going for it except the fact that you can get just about anywhere from there.  I used to enjoy going to the airport and flying.  Now I loathe it.  Having to wind my way through cattle chutes while attempting to juggle my carry on, boarding pass, shoes and all mattalic objects that could possibly set off the alarm is about as dehumanizing as you could get for $600.  Then you realize that the cattle chute would be a great way to funnel the blast of an explosion but take some comfort in knowing that at least no one will get on board the plane with more than 3 oz. of toothpaste.

Oh, and if you want to know why people try to sneak into the country illegally, just come through Newark customs.  Heck, I’d prefer wading across the Rio Grande rather than have to put up with those surly immigration people.  Welcome to America, you jerk!

I packed a lot of reading material with me on this trip, some of which I’ll write about in future posts but while waiting for my plane to start boarding I read “WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!: MATHEMATICAL MODELLING OF AN OUTBREAK OF ZOMBIE INFECTION” a academic paper by some Canadians who are (ostensibly) trying to show the value of mathematical modelling but (really) are trying to warn humanity about the upcoming zombie invasion.  Money quote:

An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead. While aggressive quarantine may eradicate the infection, this is unlikely to happen in practice. A cure would only result in some humans surviving the outbreak, although they will still coexist with zombies. Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication, assuming the available resources can be mustered in time.

…an outbreak of zombies will result in the collapse of civilisation, with every human infected, or dead. This is because human births and deaths will provide the undead with a limitless supply of new bodies to infect, resurrect and convert. Thus, if zombies arrive, we must act quickly and decisively to eradicate them before they eradicate us.

In short…zombies=bad

Note to self:  Reconsider work on my zombie worker program.  Might be unforseen consequnces.

On brighter news, I think I can now safely say that Stockholm is my favorite large city.  At least in the summer months.  I haven’t yet experienced the city when it’s 30 degrees and has 6 hours of daylight but I’m guessing that might tarnish the luster a bit.  But in the nice months (June through August at least) it’s fantastic.

A tough couple of days for the Swedes

Wow…talk about the coming anarchy.  Sweden seems besieged lately.

First, the Taliban took offense that the Swedes and Finns responded when ambushed, killing 2 insurgents and wounding three others (no friendly casualties).

The Finnish army command said in its statement that a Swedish patrol had come under surprise rifle and rocket propelled grenade fire when travelling from Sheberghan to Mazar-i-Sharif, adding that the Swedes had then called in reinforcements, including six Finnish troops.

So, what do the Taliban do?

A regional Taliban commander has warned that Swedes serving in Afghanistan will be the target of reprisals following the killing of three of the guerrilla group’s fighters by Swedish troops last week.

Is this some sort of tautology?  The commander is threatening to attack Swedish soldiers in response to his attack on Swedish soldiers?

But hey, maybe this guy isn’t the most logical guy out there but that doesn’t mean he’s unreasonable:

He added, however, that Swedes and other foreigners would be welcomed by the Taliban under certain conditions. “If you come without weapons to rebuild our poor, warn-torn country, you will be welcomed,” he told TT.

“If you are Muslims.”

Great.

Then, in even more bizarre news, it was reported that a Finnish ship was briefly hijacked in Swedish waters last week.  There are a lot of suspicious elements to this story so I have no idea what to make of it.  Consider the following:

• The hijackers spoke english (it’s not clear from reports how well)
• The hijackers were dressed as Swedish police and claimed to be searching for drugs
• Despite several of the crew sustaining (minor) injuries and being in Swedish waters, the ship continued on its way and didn’t report the incident for several days (WTF?)
• The hijackers searched the ship and then left several hours later.  There’s no reporting about them making (or receiving) any sort of ransom demand

Completely uninformed potential hypotheses:

1. The ‘hijacking’ was instead a warning to someone (the shipping line, insurers, etc.) as part of an extortion scheme
2. The hijackers could have been looking for some specific (illicit) cargo (the old ripping off the drug dealer scam) which makes me think way too much of Keyser Soze
3. There was no hijacking and the crew (Russians) decided to skim some illicit cargo off for themselves and concoct this hijacking story to keep the mobsters who put it there from killing them
4. It was a dry run for another hijacking to occur in the future

Anyone got any more?

If that wasn’t enough, the Swedish intelligence service is saying that the espionage threat against Sweden is as high as it was during the Cold War.   According to an agency spokesman:

Several countries, include those in our immediate surroundings, conduct surveillance against Sweden.

Clearly Russia is one of those countries but who are the others?  Norway (the Texans of Scandinavia)? Denmark?  Finland?  The Baltic nations?

Why are people spying on Sweden?

There is significant interest in the Armed Forces’ advanced weapons systems, the MUST report claims.

While this may be true and I will forever assert that Sweden consistantly makes the coolest looking fighter planes, I’m not sure they’re always banging with all cylinders in the advanced weapon system department.

…the new Gripens aren’t equipped to receive communications from Sweden’s encryption system, leaving open communications as the only way for Swedish commanders on the ground to give orders to pilots in the air… the military won’t be able to upgrade the new Gripen’s communications capability until 2015 because of cutbacks on defense spending.

Oh, and apparently Swedish zombies are back.

A disagreement between two bus drivers and a motorist in Uppsala in central Sweden resulted in the motorist seeking hospital treatment after one of the bus drivers bit him in the face.

I suspect the bus driver’s only statement was ‘Braaaaains’.

Just a few zombies short of perfection

Discovery channel has a new ‘reality’ show coming out on July 21st called “The Colony”.  According to the website:

In the first experiment of its kind, real people from a wide variety of backgrounds and skills will be challenged to rebuild their own civilization in a devastated world.

The test will take place in an isolated urban compound with no electricity from the grid, no running water, and no communication with the outside world.

Ok, maybe it’ll be cheesy but I’m such a sucker for apocolyptic fiction I will be compelled to watch.  While it is a shame they won’t be having any zombies (or even C.H.U.D.) attacking the members, there will be a ‘gang of thugs’ who attempt to harrass them to make the whole thing more dramatic.

The website for the show has some cool things to waste some time with and it looks like there will be some sort of facebook related game to go with it.

Still…I wish it would have zombies.  Everything is better with zombies.

Another good intention waiting to go awry…zombie edition

This story talks about researchers in Texas hoping to get a grip on their fire ant problem by introducing another alien species to the ecosystem.

But now the researchers are trying a tiny phorid fly, native to a region of South America where the fire ants originated…The flies lay eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away at the pest’s tiny brain…The ant will get up and wander for about two weeks while the maggot feeds, said Rob Plowes, a research associate at the University of Texas at Austin.  “There is no brain left in the ant, and the ant just starts wandering aimlessly,” he said.  About a month after the egg is laid, the ant’s head falls off — and a new fly emerges ready to attack another fire ant.

Am I the only one who sees the terrible consequences of this?  You don’t have to be a genius to figure out how this one ends.  The flies will mutate and begin laying their eggs in humans.  The humans will turn into zombies with an insatiable appetite for brains (to replace the one being eaten by the fly larva), civilization will collapse, the human species will become extinct and a new race of super fly (superfly?) beings will rule the world with an iron fist (or whatever ants use to crush their enemies).

Great.

And let me just remind you that the Mayans say the world will end in 2012 (December 21st, so don’t bother with Christmas shopping that season!).  What better way for the end (and a nice revenge on those pesky Conquistadors) then from a fly which originates from Mayan land (well, close enough…South America, Central America…same thing).

Friday Zombie News

From Boing Boing:

A Metairie resident is recovering after a stranger bit a chunk of flesh out of his arm and swallowed it Saturday afternoon.

Lancellotti was gardening at his home in the 4400 block of Kawanee Avenue about 2 p.m. when he noticed a man walking toward his house, shouting angrily, the report said. Lancellotti said he couldn’t understand the man because he was yelling in Spanish (ed note:  Can we confirm it wasn’t Swedish?) . But when the man got within two feet, he slugged Lancellotti in the head, the report said.

Lancellotti said he tried to defend himself with a garden rake. As the men struggled over the rake, the stranger bent over and bit Lancellotti on his right forearm, the report said. Lancellotti’s flesh ripped away as he fell to the ground.

“He said, ‘He bit my arm, chewed the flesh and swallowed it in front of me, ‘ ” Lorio recalled. She said the bite measured almost 3 by 1 1/2 inches, and was less than 1/4-inch deep.

The pair tried to calm the stranger, who never made any attempt to run away. He eventually let go of Lancellotti and walked two blocks to a parking lot, where he hovered near an empty police car, the report said. The suspect was still standing there when deputies arrived and took him into custody.

So here’s my take on this.  Because there were witnesses there had to be a news story about this but what’s really happening is that the ’suspect’ (zombie) is currently in a secret government lab somewhere being tested.  Authorities are working overtime to supress other events like this that are popping up all over the country but they won’t be able to do it forever.  Soon we’ll be hearing that phrase:

“The only way to stop them is to destroy the brain or seperate the head from the body.”

So here’s your warning…start stocking up your bunker now.  Oh, and have a nice weekend.

A modest proposal

I got the new zombie game Left 4 Dead from a friend for Christmas (thereby assuring his place in the bunker when the actual zombie apocolypse occurs) and it’s a lot of fun.  I could write a review but it’ll just be the same gushing praise that others have already given it.  I would just add one thing:  Most of the reviews poo-poo the single player version of the game.  While I agree that multiplayer adds a definate ‘umph’ factor, I have a great deal of fun playing single player.  Perhaps that’s just making a virtue out of necessity since some unknown glitch (perhaps a microphone issue) has made the multiplayer experience frustrating for me with frequent instances of getting signed off at the most crucial times.

What I’d really like to see, however, is a mashup between this game and Team Fortress 2.  Just imagine the heavy vs. the tank…the smoker vs. the sniper…the hunter vs. the scout…and the pyro vs. the horde….

mmmmmm…..massive zombie destruction….mmmmmm

Speaking of zombies, I was able to catch the British miniseries Dead Set.  Pretty good zombie apocalypse horror along the lines of Dawn of the Dead/28 Days Later.  The zombies are fast…and hungry.  The twist is that the series follows contestants of the reality show Big Brother.  While they’re on the show, isolated from the outside world, the zombie apocalypse takes place.

If you enjoyed  Dawn of the Dead, you could even consider this to be another story within that universe, which would make it similar to the concept behind World War Z.  Now, they’re planning on making a film version of the book but I think that’s the wrong vehicle for it.  Given that the book is really a collection of vignettes that take place all over the world, World War Z is much better suited for TV (probably cable given the necessary violence).  The show could then spend one or a few episodes following people and story lines around the globe during the zombie uprising.

Ok…I’m getting waaay too into this whole zombie thing.  Maybe I’ll go see Twilight…