Monkey on the lam! TSA edition…

Courtesy of BoingBoing the TSA has regulations for ‘service animals’ and how they should be processed for screening at airports.  Hey, that’s cool.  Seeing eye dogs and stuff, right?

Yeah, but who knew there were service monkeys?

What’s the hell is a service monkey?  Didn’t anyone see Conquest of the Planet of the Apes???

Well, anyway here are the rules for monkeys going through airport screening and EVERY ONE of these is pure gold!  Savor them.  Some committee had to write, review and publish them.

  • When a service monkey is being transported in a carrier, the monkey must be removed from the carrier by the handler prior to screening,
  • The service monkey must be controlled by the handler throughout the screening process.
  • The service monkey handler should carry the monkey through the walk through metal detector while the monkey remains on a leash.
  • When the handler and service monkey go through the walk through metal detector and the detector alarms, both the handler and the monkey must undergo additional screening.  (Please don’t tell us that means a full pat down for the monkey. eds)
  • Since service monkeys may likely draw attention, the handler will be escorted to the physical inspection area where a table is available for the monkey to sit on. Only the handler will touch or interact with the service monkey.  (No touch monkey!)
  • Security Officers have been trained to not touch the service monkey during the screening process.
  • Security Officers will conduct a visual inspection on the service monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection.  (Look out for those al-Qaeda suicide monkeys!)
  • The inspection process may require that the handler to take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection.  (The ultimate test if your pay is adequate for your job responsibilities.  ‘Uh, ma’am.  Could you please remove the monkey’s diaper?  I need to inspect it for explosive material.)

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