The mutant animal arms race in Afghanistan

A long time ago I brought you the story about how the U.S. was reported to have employed mutant killer cats in Afghanistan to kill Taliban and frighten the civilian population.

Then, we seemed to have the animal war well in hand as bears (obviously CIA employees) killed two militants in Pakistan.

Then, the Taliban responded by indicating their intent to clone dinosaurs and use them in their jihad.

Now, (h/t foreign policy) it has been announced that the Taliban are employing monkeys to attack coalition soldiers.  And these are the poo throwing types you’re used to.  These monkeys are serious

Taliban forces have taught monkeys how to use the Kalashnikov, Bren light machine gun and trench mortars. They also teach them how to identify and attack soldiers wearing U.S. military uniforms.

These monkey babies who lost their mothers are sent to a secret Taliban training base one-by-one to become killer monkeys.

A secret monkey terrorist training camp.  That’s it.  Game over, man.  Game over.

Oh…but that’s not it.  It gets better.  The Taliban have  a method to their madness.  They’ve decided to publicize their New Model Army in the hopes of getting the all powerful animal rights movement to force the coalition to withdrawal. 

“If a person who loves animals knows the monkeys may be injured in the war, they might pressure the government to force the withdrawal of western forces in Afghanistan,” said one Taliban insider.

On the bright side…being population centric should be pretty easy with monkey insurgents.  He who controls the bananas, controls the future.

And it must be real!  There are pictures!

Obviously the Taliban haven’t seen how this movie ends:

And for the record:  I’d like to thank the Chinese meda and the Taliban for allowing me to write a post that I could tag with ‘Afghanistan, animal rights, science fiction and humor’.


2 responses to “The mutant animal arms race in Afghanistan

  1. When the Taliban turn to monkeys to do their fighting, I feel pretty good about our chances.

    By the way, where does anti-animal ops fall in COIN theory?


  2. Pingback: What is it with the Chinese media and monkeys? « Travels with Shiloh

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